I Have Nothing Left to Fear and I’m Not Okay

Work In Progress / 19 November 2020

I’m a big fan of V for Vendetta. One of my favourite graphic novels and movies. Hey you, shut up back there, I don’t care about the story changes they made in the movie or anything else. Accepting things we like despite differences or imperfections is a discussion for another day. 

Anyway, one of the aspects of the story that I’ve always been fascinated with is the idea of the freedom through loss of fear.

Roughly a decade ago, I had actually put this into practice. I created a policy of throwing myself at every fear that I had, in order to overcome those fears. It worked. At least at the time. I was single with no obligations and enjoyed my life and the increased freedom that facing my fears left me feeling.

Fast forward 10 years, several bad relationships and several anxiety drugs later and I cannot say that I feel the same.

I feel I can actually say that I’m not afraid of anything anymore, but because I can’t feel any worse about myself. When you feel absolutely bottom and really hate yourself, it’s surprisingly hard to remain frightened of anything, at least for any extended length of time.

Like what kind of threat can you make when I already hate myself? What can you do to me that I haven’t done to myself in my head 100 times over? What torture or violence or privilege can you commit or take away when I already feel like I deserve the worst you have to offer?

Before I continue, let me calm anyone getting worried. This is not a cry for help. I am not going to hurt myself. Basically for the same reasons that I can’t murder people. Too much planning. Too messy. I couldn’t live with the anxiety, and I don’t want to hurt people. If I know anything about myself at all any more, it’s that I don’t want to hurt people.

Let me explain a little further. I have depression and anxiety, which I am medicated and get treatment for. 

The last couple of days have been rough.

Through a series of misunderstandings, misassumptions, and misguided actions on my part within my social circle, a personal issue exploded beyond all proportion. The issue was caused by my thoughts and actions and misunderstandings. Everyone is fine thus far which is what is most important.

Thing is, when I already have such a low opinion of myself, there isn’t anywhere to go but inward. I spent most of the day in bed crying over causing the upset of a group of people that I had allowed myself to become close to. And the judgement and misassumptions of those in my social circle.

Some days I can be very productive and some days I cannot. I’ve had to accept that, as it is a fact whether I want to admit it or not.

Since wanting to move forward and get better means acknowledging positive achievements to boost self-esteem, I’ve had to re-define what an achievement is. Some days, an achievement is finishing a piece of art I’m satisfied with, other days, it’s getting out of bed.

Yesterday, it was making it to 1pm before my first sobbing fit for the day. I was able to get myself out of bed and back to work in about an hour and a half. The day before was 5+ hours.

-I didn’t cry until 1pm. (Today was 2:15!)

-I was able to get out of bed and back to work in an hour and a half. (Keeping productive today by writing this from bed.)

Those are the accomplishments that I need to cling to, to get through some days.

It’s impossible not to take life one day at a time, when you micro-analyze every single thought, action and movement. 

I hate the fact that I’ve become an artist stereotype.

Anxiety and depression sucks, the mental health system is a joke, and medication is a guessing game that will fuck up your head if you guess the wrong combination. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get help if you need it or that I would stop my treatment.

I just hope that someone will read this and it will help them. I know how I feel right now, I, wouldn’t wish it on anyone else in the world, and I know that I have enough friends and family who are also struggling too, that someone else will see this and not feel so alone.

That’s about it for now. Here’s some art:

Thanks for reading,